April 14, 2015

Furiously Franchised

Saturday night my circumstances were such that I had 3.5 hours to kill, at night, far enough away from home that it only made sense to stay in the general area during that time.  I tried to find appropriate activities to fill the time.  I desperately tried to find fulfilling activities, but ultimately what fit into my schedule was a showing of the movie Fast & Furious 7.

In hindsight, I think it might have been helpful to have seen F&F 2 - 6, which I have not.

I never thought I would utter this phrase, "Ludacris and Duane "The Rock" Johnson were two of the best actors in the movie."

FF7 clocked in at 2 hours and 20 minutes.  Of that, there were approximately 18 minutes of believable action on the screen, most of which featured bare female asses.  Vin Diesel changed his facial expression twice, well maybe three times, during the movie, though it is hardly discernible.  There were around 3,000 punches thrown, with no residual bruising to mar subsequent scenes.  I recall at least four instances in which people jumped from one moving car to another, with no ill effect.  Hundreds of cars were wrecked on film, and, after filming was finished, 230 vehicles were crushed to prevent fans of the series from getting their hands on them.

That pesky little 'suspension of disbelief' thing should be explained to the film's director.  People cannot drive cars off of cliffs, out of airplanes, head-on into another vehicle, and not only survive, but pop right out and on to the next bone-jarring scene - makeup and muscles intact.

There was so much gratuitous violence that I found myself looking away for long stretches of fight scenes.  There was nothing enjoyable about watching ridiculous beatings with (unbelievable) predictable outcomes.

Actor Paul Walker died at some point during the filming of FF7, though I am not enough of a fan to track down exactly how much filming had been completed.  The last few minutes of the film are a tribute to Walker, offering up a montage of scenes from the first six movies, and a touching beach scene in which the rest of the cast purportedly comes to terms with the knowledge that Walker's character has decided to embrace the home life with his wife and child and won't be going on any more adventures with them.  The movie ends with a scene in which the two male leads drive side-by-side, and then Walker's car veers off on a path of its own as the last strains of Wiz Khalifa's 'See You Again' play out.

The quiet theater was filled with the sound of grown men sniffling, clearly moved by the emotional ending.  That was almost enough to make me forget that I spent twelve bucks on a shitty movie.

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