May 15, 2014

Feeling Old

I went to a funeral yesterday.  It seems that I am in a cycle of my life that finds me at more end of life events, than beginning of life events.  God willing, that should come around a little, as my children and their friends get married and have children.

It doesn't escape me that time is passing, and I don't think I have ever been much of the type to take life for granted.  I do believe that there are seasons of our life that we settle in, finding comfort and security in a routine.  There are thousands of songs, poems, and pithy internet quotes that urge us to 'live like we were dying', and wouldn't it be great if we each had the resources to cross items off of our bucket list as if there were no tomorrow?

I am not particularly disappointed in any one aspect of my life.  I do not harbor regret or yearn for a path that I didn't take.  I do find myself looking at my children, and young adults out in public, and thinking how wonderful that time of life was, when I had the freedom to make independent choices, to go where the wind took me, to learn new things, to seek fresh experiences.

If you could go back and do it all over again, would you?  Some people adamantly say 'no' to that question, but, if I could go back, knowing what I know now, I sure as hell would.  In a heartbeat.  Don't misunderstand, I would still want to end up with the same husband and same children and same friends - but would relish getting to that point without some of the pain and heartache that I created for myself.

I suppose going to funerals of people who were revered by their families and friends sets rather high expectations.  I wonder if I will be as fondly remembered.  I wonder if I have done all the right things for my kids.  I hope that my friends will recall me with affection.

I suppose that most people get to be *mumble-mumble* year's old and have thoughts like this.  I wonder if I can parlay this into a new sports car or some plastic surgery?

1 comment:

Mel said...

Sports car or plastic surgery? Why not have both? Buy a sports car you really like and drive it around town. The smile on your face would eliminate the need for surgery!